some hard truths

There’s going to be a lot of hard truths in this post, so I might as well start by admitting that this post about procrastination is being written while I’m currently procrastinating. Admitting it is the first step, right?

I’ve been a procrastinator my whole life, but college and real life have really helped me hone my skills. I can talk myself out of doing pretty much anything and convince myself that I’ll definitely still have time to finish it tomorrow. This usually works out pretty well for me, except when the task at hand is a real monster and takes more than just a minute or two to finish. When I’m dealing with one of those, cue the stomach aches, nasty moods, and overall bitterness until I bite the bullet.

I’m in the middle of that right now, and I’ve been a generally unpleasant person for the past month or so while I’m trying to study for this (stupid) engineering licensing exam that I’ve put off (for two years). Since I didn’t have enough on my plate with this test, I also decided to start a diet, start working out more, and plan a vacation at the same time.

I’ve been using all my spare time to study, but as hard as I try, I just don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere or getting closer to being prepared. I sit down at the table and just get more and more angry and pissed the longer I stare at the study guide. I’ve got a lot of emotional baggage about this test, and passing it will mean more to me than just a step in my career. It will be one more step further from the lowest point in my life, and one less reminder. I’m a mix of embarrassed and mad and stressed and worried and it’s all making me physically sick.

Admitting everything above is hard, because I haven’doubted myself this much since I can’t even remember how long. Even in hard situations, I usually have a gut feeling that everything will turn out ok, but I definitely don’t feel that way about the test. I am so terrified to fail at this, I’d rather just not take it and have it keep hanging over my head and stressing me out. Right now, I’m convinced that not passing is hands down the worst thing that could happen to me.

I’m a list person, so here’s some things that would suck if I didn’t pass.

  • I’d have to retake it. re-study, re-register, re-pay-the-huge-fee
  • I’d have to tell people at work that I didn’t pass.

Here’s some things that would be great if I did pass.

  • I wouldn’t have it hanging over my head anymore
  • I could do other things for fun without constantly feeling like I should be studying
  • I would feel like I earned it. And accomplished something.

I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now it’s pitch black and I can’t see shit. The test is scheduled for April 8th, it’s 6 hours long, and it costs $50 to reschedule (believe me, I’ve checked). That’s 8 days to get my shit together and make sure I’m ready. Wish me luck.

(p.s…. dear future me. don’t wait til the last minute. If you know something is gonna suck, just get it done. i know you’re still gonna procrastinate because duh. but at least consider doing it now)

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