25 Weeks Pregnant!

I can’t believe I haven’t even written about us having a baby yet! WE’RE HAVING A BABY!! And she’s a girl πŸ™‚ It still seems hard to believe, and I’ve woken up a few times convinced that I’m making the whole thing up and I’ll just look down and have a flat tummy again….

The 1st trimester was tough, the 2nd was a lot better, and now I’m at 25 weeks and really starting to feel pregnant! My back is constantly painful, mostly on my upper right side near my ribs. Sitting anywhere is a pain, so I stand at my desk and whenever I get a chance. I do yoga and stretches every night before bed which helps a little, and I’m considering getting one of those hideously giant pregnancy pillows to help me sleep! This little babe is a super hard kicker, and is doing flips and punches all day long. I generally expect her to kick more about 20 minutes after I eat, which is pretty cool. I love starting to feel like I know her a little better, and can predict her actions. Brian loves feeling her kick, and has gotten a few kicks to the face while he’s listening to her move all around in there. I think she likes feeling the vibration of his voice when he talks with his face on my tummy because she really starts to kick!

I’m not eating a ton more than usual, but I do have two breakfasts, and usually two dinners or a big snack after dinner πŸ™‚ I’m right on track for the expected weight gain, but it doesn’t help me feel any less fat. At least I’ve crossed the line of looking a little pudgy to definitely looking pregnant! I only have two pairs of pregnancy jeans so far, but I need to get some more ASAP, because the whole hairtie-in-the-button thing isn’t working anymore. I unbutton my pants anytime I get the chance, and especially when we’re riding to or from work. Most of my coats don’t zip up anymore, so I’m down to two coats that I can zip, but even those are getting tight! My mom ordered me a funky down vest that has zipper vents on the side to fit the bump, and then a front panel that zips in to fit the baby on my chest! It really seems like there should be a bigger market for maternity clothes…

I don’t really have weird cravings, but I have been drinking tonssss of orange juice and eating lots and lots of fruit. I definitely have more of a sweet tooth than normal, and everyone at work is pretty great about leaving cookies, donuts, and bagels on my desk in the mornings πŸ™‚ Luckily fruit seems to satisfy my sweet tooth, so when it was peach season, I was eating like 3-4 giant peaches a day!

Brian asked me the other day if pregnancy is what I expected it to be, and all I could do was laugh. No!! I thought I would be cute and excited and spending my days decorating the nursery and sewing little baby clothes! hahahahahahha nope, apparently real life goes on as you get bigger and bigger. Instead, my days are spent wearing pants that don’t zip, feeling fat, putting off submitting daycare applications, sleeping, and counting down the minutes until I can take off my bra.

I want to be better about posting these, so we shall seeeeeee! I’m terrible about taking photos of the bump, which is odd, so maybe I’ll try to ramp that up too.

I’M BACK

(read the title like Eminem)

I could write 10 pages about how horrible the past 3 months have been in our last apartment, but I won’t. It smelled, it wasn’t safe, and it definitely wasn’t comfortable. I knew it was a huge stress point for both of us, but it really became clear this past weekend once we moved out for good. I feel like a completely different person, like my mind has cleared, a massive weight has been lifted, and everything in my life is coming back into focus. The feeling is incredible, and I don’t want to forget what it took to get here.

I haven’t cooked or baked since July. I haven’t used the sewing machine once. I haven’t made anything for Ruby, and I haven’t done any of the planning or preparation for her that I knew I needed to. Our laundry basket was always overflowing, and nothing was ironed. I didn’t write (obviously) or do anything creative. I let my nails go to shit before I forced myself to at least take the nail polish off. I didn’t buy anything for our house except for candles to mask the smell, and plastic for the windows. We got two stains on our couch because we ate dinner there each night. Everything that was important to me started to slip between the cracks because I just couldn’t find the motivation or desire to care. The worst part is that I knew all of this was happening, and I still couldn’t fix it. I don’t think I was depressed, but I definitely wasn’t myself, and I wasn’t in a mentally healthy place.

One of the things that bothered me the most was the smell. Not only did it bother me at home, but it got in our clothes and our jackets and it would bother me during the day when I was at work. All I could think of was how detrimental it must be for children who are raised in households where their parents smoke, and having to go to school each day knowing that they smell. It is a HUGE emotional stress point that seems trivial, but deeply affected me. The first thing I did when we got to the new house was wash all of our jackets, blankets, towels, and lay all of our rugs outside to air out. Just having the smells gone is the biggest relief.

At work, we were discussing Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and how it applies to everything in our lives, both personal and work related. It was like a lightbulb clicked when I saw this diagram, because it explains exactly how and why the house issue is affecting me in so many different ways. The things that I was missing the most were psychological and self-fulfillment needs, but I couldn’t get there without feeling physiologically comfortable. It was so refreshing to see proof of what I’d been feeling and know that my discomfort was validated.

We spent the weekend unpacking and settling into the new place, and I already feel so inspired. We made a delicious dinner, I baked a pie, and we walked downtown Ballard to buy two little accessories for the kitchen. I’ve been making lists of projects I want to start and we’re going to get back to meal planning. Everything that used to be our normal is slipping back into place and it feels like we’re home. Brian said that he feels like he’s on vacation in our house, and I feel more like we’re real adults. I think even regardless of where we just came from, this house is a turning point for us and we’re so happy to be here. This feels like a home where we can start our family, and I’m finally able to feel some excitement about what comes next!

I have to say too, that it’s a huge testimony to our relationship that Brian and I (somehow) made it through this whole transition with our relationship very much intact and probably a lot stronger. A lot of the credit goes to Brian for putting up with an unhappy pregnant wife, and I love him so much more for it. This house thing aside, the past few months have been a weird time for me, adjusting to all the fun new stuff that pops up with pregnancy (hello hormones and exhaustion), so I’m sure I haven’t been easy to deal with. Brian has been so patient and understanding and rational (sometimes to a fault) and is the only reason I didn’t lose my mind, burn down the house, and move into a hotel.

Us Time

Working on the carriage house for the last month has been a huge learning experience for us in so many unexpected ways. We’ve obviously learned a lot about the actual demo/construction stuff, but I’ve also learned a ton about how our relationship ebbs and flows through different stresses.

We’re used to spending pretty much every possible minute together, aside from work. Our weekends are 100% ours to go for long walks or bike rides and stopping into little towns for lunch and beers, and we rarely split up to do our own things because we’d rather be together. I didn’t realize how much I rely on our weekends to reset my sanity until this past month when we’ve spent every free minute frantically working on the carriage house or packing up our apartment. Instead of spending the weekend outside relaxing, we’re working on stressful, dirty, and physically exhausting projects for the house. We haven’t cooked a single meal (besides toast) in a month, we’re just bleeding money on this renovation, and we’re relying on each other to just get through this and make it to August 1st. I know we’re lucky to have a lifestyle that allows us to spend this much time together, but we also make a lot of active choices to protect it. We live close to work so we don’t waste time commuting separately, we ride together to and from work whenever possible, and we plan activities and trips that we both love so we can do them together. This time is so special to me, and I’m actually really glad that it took this house project to make me appreciate it for what it is.

The light at the end of the tunnel is dim but getting brighter, and the only thing keeping me going is the thought of our first weekend trip. It doesn’t even have to be far, just somewhere isolated with sun, a book, the hammock, fresh air, and zero discussion about the house. ZERO.

ps… a post about this renovation is forthcoming. For now, please refer to the highlight at the top of my Insta story where all of the stories are saved.